Am I killing time or is time killing me?

I’d hate to admit it, but I’ve got nothing positive to report right now. I am struggling with my site, counterpart, and basically any interpersonal situation I find myself in.

Teaching is going OK, I suppose. I have a handful of students in every class who are motivated, but the numbers who are not are much higher. I wouldn’t exactly say I’ve had any day that really makes me want to come back for more so to speak. I enjoy teaching, and I think I am good at it, but don’t always feel like I have much of an impact. I only teach each class 2 times a week, and the schedule is terrible. I have one class on Monday and Friday, a different class meets Tuesday afternoon and Wednesday morning, and a third class meets on Thursdays and Fridays. I’d love for someone to explain the reasoning of the schedule to me.
Working with my counterpart is not fulfilling. Most of the time she sticks to whatever is in the text, but then admits the text is horrible. I try to go around the text as much as possible. It is also difficult because the school hasn’t given me copies of the book when I ask, making planning close to impossible. This week we were doing directions and she said to the class “New York City is in the Northwest of the US” then I heard the whole class repeat “Northwest” in chorus, it made me cringe. I didn’t know what to do, call her out in front of the class and embarrass her or let it slide.
Most of my classes had tests last week, and watching it was painful. The students talk to each other, get out of their seats, and look off of each others papers. When I asked Akmaral if that was acceptable to be doing that she replied "Well it's not their language". I told her I thought it devalued the testing system and didn't at all prove the students knowledge, but she said "Our school system is different", in what is arguably the biggest understatement I've ever heard. It's terribly unrewarding to teach people for a month, and then see that happen to your hard work. The real shame in it is, its a prime example of the school system just pushing the students through instead of teaching them. Those students will go to 10th grade next year, having taken 5 years of English and won't be able to say "Yesterday was Sunday", when I ask them what day was it yesterday. When those students try to pass an exam to get into University they wont be able to cheat and wont get in, even though they were educated in a private school.
One teacher in particular at my school is under the impression that my being in the school means I should be her private English tutor 4 days a week. I made 2 after school English clubs one for 7th and 8th graders and one for 9th, 10th, and 11th graders and she kept pushing me to let her go to the club. I told her no. The clubs are for the students, they are where I try to actually build relationships with the students, and also where I let my hair down much more, having another teacher there is not what the club needs. I am making an adult club in January but that wasn’t enough. She kept saying “just one time” and being incredibly pushy, teaching her English is not how I would like to spend 5-6 hours a week, as it will only impact one person. The part that is frustrating is even though a handful of people here do speak English, they do not speak very well. Trying to reason is impossible, if they hear the word yes, followed by a condition, they will only understand yes.
For the most part I feel like the staff at the school is more concerned about the shoes I have on, or what I am eating for lunch than the quality of my lessons or teaching ability. I feel like more people are concerned with babysitting me than making sure anyone is getting anything from me or I am getting anything by being here.
My host family has 7 members and they are busy, usually I feel like I am just in the way. I sit in the guest house alone for most of the day. From Friday after school to Monday morning, I don’t leave the house. My family seldom has guests and never goes out to visit anyone else, so I don’t get invited to many social occasions. Also, because there is no employment in my town, there are no mid 20’s people to spend anytime with. The overwhelming majority of my town is either 14 and under or 45 and older.
I have no friends in my town and no one to spend time with. I make visuals for school, play guitar, and read. The lack of socialization has been the most difficult part. I miss my friends, family, and having any aspect of an enjoyable personal life. I had envisioned a town with a library, maybe a museum, and some kind of recreational area, but my town has nothing. There are 4 stores, 2 bars, a pharmacy, and a few schools.
I can’t convince myself that being here is “good for me” or in anyway how I should spend what little time I have on Earth. I think Peace Corps has an attitude of you should just “deal with anything”. I realize that currently there’s nothing PC can do either. They are not going to build me a gym, or displace a population of mid 20’s with educations to live in my town, or build a museum either, so I have to sit here. But, I do wish they would have considered one's enjoyment before placing a volunteer here.
I have a difficult time relating to people from home when they ask me “Can’t you go out to eat?” or “Can’t you go for a run?”. The answer to those questions is no. I went nearly 2 weeks without showering here (a whole different story of my host family’s inability), I can’t work out.
What I seem to do the most is sit here and beat myself up about not being home with people who I love, and why I can’t seem to enjoy what everyone else does. I read things people put on face book about their dogs, or what their doing for Christmas, or the Eagles game, and it kills me. I’d hate to sound so damned miserable or nihilistic, but I just don’t see the point in doing this. Anyway, I should probably not post this on the internet any further for now.



“The world keeps ending, but new people too dumb to know it keep showing up as if the fun has just started”
-John Updike